3 YEARS LATER

I was struggling to decide if I should post this out in the open for everyone to see since it is personal for me, but a few days ago I sat down and wrote my feelings down along with a message and I would like to share it. I know this is long, and that not everyone is going to read it, but if you decide to take the time to read it, it would mean so much to me and I hope it helps you just little bit. So here it is...

February 14th. Valentines day. When you think of Valentine’s Day, you think of love right?

You can taste the chalkiness of the heart shaped candies with cute little signs like “Be Mine” labeled across them, you can hear your name being called in class to receive the carnation your boyfriend/girlfriend has sent to you, you can smell the chocolate boxes being handed out, you start to visualize the love and excitement present in the air on this day, you can feel the touch of your hand holding onto your significant other’s hand while walking through the halls.

If you asked me to describe the thoughts that tremble through my mind when a person says “Valentine’s Day”, I would’ve listed all of those amazing things… prior to February 14th of 2018.

For the past 3 years, every time the day of February 14th comes around and the days to which lead up to it, I and many others feel the same pit in our stomach. The pain, grief, and sadness, we all felt on the day of February 14, 2018, is still present. Emotions are high, the flashbacks return, and friends and classmates are being especially missed. I’ll never understand why- Why did this have to happen? Why wasn’t this prevented? Why wasn’t this horrific tragedy handled better? Why was it Parkland, what’s supposed to be one of “safest” towns? Why did we go to school that day excited to hear our names being called out to pick up the carnations we were supposed to receive from lovers, but instead, that feeling of excitement had to be taken away from us and quickly turned into fear hearing the traumatizing sound of the gunshots which were killing the lives of those that we loved? Why did the lives of 17 innocent people who had bright futures, goals, dreams, and lives full of love have to be suddenly stolen from them? Why did parents send their sweet children to SCHOOL, a place that’s supposed to be safe for the purpose of learning, only to never return home? Why did a day which is supposed to be full of purity and love, turn into a day full of horror and hate? Why? I don’t know and really never will. Growing up, I always believed that everything happens for a reason, but for this, I struggle to find the reason. Although we all don’t know the reason, I do know that we are all hoping and demanding for the same thing; for CHANGE. For not one more person to ever have to experience and go through something so horrible like this, for school and mass shootings to be put to an end, for no other child to text their mom and dad from under a desk or from hiding in the corner of a closet saying, “If anything happens, remember I love you”, for no other human being to go to school for the purpose of learning or teaching and to never return home, for not just the endless amount of thoughts & prayers, but actually ACTION being taken. Nobody should have to attend 17 funerals in one week because their friends and family went to school to learn, only to get murdered.

Even though the pain, grief, guilt, fear, and sadness will never really go away, today, I want to take the time to remember how something so ugly and horrendous, still is capable of bringing out beauty and goodness. I will never forget the way everyone came together after the tragedy had occurred. People’s relationships grew closer, relationships were also rekindled, students who never spoke out before used their powerful voices to make an impact across the world, and most importantly, most of our perspectives on life changed since the day of February 14th. For me, I realized that so many things “just really aren’t worth it”, because tomorrow isn’t promised. Although we all get caught up in the craziness of our own lives from time to time, it’s crucial that we all take a look back at these hard times to remind us in remembering what’s truly worth it, and what’s not.

Getting into arguments with friends and family members over stupid things, really isn’t worth it. Dwelling over meaningless materialistic things, really isn’t worth it. Leaving your house after fighting with your parents and not saying, “Bye, I love you” just because you’re mad or angry, really isn’t worth it. Not communicating or expressing your feelings of love towards someone because you may be scared of rejection, really isn’t worth it. Not speaking up by not using your voice to state what you stand for because you’re fearful of what others may think of you, really isn’t worth it. Constantly judging and speaking negatively of others, really isn’t worth it. Holding hate in your heart, really isn’t worth it.

What’s worth it is after getting into a stupid argument with your friends or family, is to communicate about what upset you and then laugh about it afterwards, give them a hug, and move forward from it; because what if that “stupid argument” is the last “note” you left off on for such a silly reason. What’s worth it is to not dwell over materialistic things, but the things that actually hold real true meaning in your life. But rather focusing on the things that really matter such as your goals, dreams, aspirations, and the people you love. What’s worth it is to make up with your family before slamming the door shut, and make sure to tell them you love them, because what if you never get the chance to again? What’s worth it is to say how you really feel if you love someone, without the fear of rejection; because if you never tell someone how you really feel, how do you know if they feel the same way or not? If they “reject” you, cool, it was big and bold of you to tell them, especially in the times of this generation. What’s worth it is to speak up and to use your voice when you feel strongly about a specific matter; not just staying silent because you’re nervous of other people talking about you or perceiving you in a way you wouldn’t want to be thought of.

This goes for anything- from using your voice to speak up for a friend and having their back, to using your voice for the 17 who no longer have a voice. Speak your mind before it’s too late. What’s worth it is to also acknowledge and understand that sometimes, certain things are just better left unsaid. Constantly judging people and talking poorly of others is really just a huge waste of time and energy. Even though for the most part, we’re all guilty of this at some points in our lives, it’s best to try and limit this type of behavior. People will always judge, and people will always talk, so it’s best to just do what makes yourself happy and to not be constantly worried about the vague opinions of others. Friends are supposed to support each other, be there for one another, and lift each other up when their down; not judge their every move. Empathy over ego. Always. But for what it’s really worth, and most importantly, is to let go of hate. Instead, embrace love, express the love for those you love sincerely, and learn to love yourself. Hate gets you nowhere. I believe that holding hate in your heart, isn’t essential and consumes a lot of unnecessary negative energy. There’s simply just no reason for it. In fact, it’s so much easier to let that hate go and lean towards love. If someone does you wrong, ok- you now know where your relationship with them stands, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel hatred towards them. Let it go and move on. If you’re unhappy with yourself and your own life, reach out to the people you love and who love you back and ask for help; don’t project your unhappiness and hate onto the people who love you and want to be there for you just because you may be unhappy with yourself. Don’t take away someone else’s peace and happiness just because you can’t seem to find yours at the moment, you will.

All of this, but especially “choosing love over hate”, goes back to what I have been reminded of since the day of February 14th, 2018. When people hold onto hate in their hearts, and not love, they seem to do things that hurt other people. Hurt people hurt people. I’ve experienced it and have seen this in minor forms such as people having a warped way of thinking- that by bringing others down, will in turn, make themselves feel better; and I’ve also seen it in much more drastic situations like this one. Where someone who suffers from a sick mental illness holds onto an immense amount of hate within themselves, that they use that internal feeling to create a hateful disgusting external effect by taking away the lives of innocent people, along with breaking the hearts and ruining the lives of their family, friends, and communities. Once you let go of hate, and choose love, things become easier- there’s less battling with yourself, and you become much more accepting of others.

So today, and everyday, I remember to choose love, and not hate. I choose to be the person who helps others when they are down and try my best to lift them up; not bring them down. For the times that I feel sad, angry, or am struggling in my personal life, I choose to take some time for myself, reach out for help and support from the people I love; to not project my sadness, anger, or struggles on them, but instead, thank them for being there for me. In this dark world and messed up generation, there’s too much hate and ugliness, and I refuse to be apart of it. It really saddens me that in today’s times, many people think of expressing love to others as a scary, embarrassing, or “uncool” thing. When really all love is, is the most beautiful, meaningful, powerful, and brave thing of all.

So today, I ask for all of you to choose love, not hate. I ask you to hug and hold onto your family and friends tightly, to tell the people you love that you love them and express to them how much they mean to you, to ask for help if you feel that you need it (it’s not shameful, and shouldn’t be labeled as anything like that, everyone should speak to someone they feel safe with), to let the little things go, to try and not let superficial and meaningless things consume you, your time, and energy, to be the person who uses their voice to speak up even if you’re the only one who does (remember you’re making an impact and you should be proud of yourself), to be less judge-mental of others, but rather more supportive, (remember that you don’t always need to know the reasoning behind of why someone is doing something), to be kind; everyone has a story/a chapter they don’t say out loud and you truly don’t know what anyone is going through or struggling with, so just be nice (when you spread kindness, most of the time, it finds its way back to you in return), to look up from your phone and see the beauty of life (social media can be detrimental and harmful to mental health and has the ability to create a very negative effect on each one of us), to do something kind for a stranger or loved one, to be the person who cares (Its cool to care! Don’t let society try and convince you that it’s not), to be there for one another, to live life to the fullest, to live everyday like it’s your last, to use your voice to honor and remember the 17 beautiful souls who no longer have one, and lastly, and most importantly, to always remember and never forget, be the person who chooses love, not hate.

“If we remembered that we could lose someone at any given moment, we would love them more fiercely and freely; and without fear- not because there is nothing to lose, but because everything can always be lost.”

On a side note, if your struggling with anything or need someone to talk to, feel free to message me at any point in time. I’m definitely not a therapist, (although I do hope to be one some day :)) but I would love to try my best to be there for you and help you get through whatever it is your feeling/going through. Whether it’s one of my closest friends, someone I haven’t spoken to in years, or someone I don’t know very well, I know how hard life can be sometimes and I believe that helping others, is the most amazing gift to give, but to also receive. Even though pain never really goes away, if your going through a dark place in time and feel like your never going to get out of it, or you feel as if it’s never going to get any better, it does and it will. Just as the tragedy that took place at my high school 3 years ago today brought along a vast amount of darkness and sadness, it took some time, but I can now also see some of the beauty and light it brought out within my community and the strengthening of relationships of everlasting special bonds we all share. Even though sometimes it may be harder than others, always remember to look/search for the light in the midst of darkness, it’s always there, I promise you.

At the end of the day, all we really have is the memories we create we the people we love, so make sure to make them count.

Parkland is forever home. Friends have turned into family. The 17- Never. Ever.

Forget.

Remember their names, remember their stories, and remember that love never dies, even when people do.

- Jayden Elle Beir (MSD Class of 2019)